Blurred Lines

I've been been unbelievably busy this past week like never before since I started working. The past week also brought me to a few highly important thoughts that since then wouldn't get off my mind. 

I am confused, totally lost & extremely miserable. Even before I finished school I already knew what I wanted and have built a set of goals I'd do and accomplish as a career person. In other words, my future was already set and I thought things would go perfectly like how it has always been when I was a student. I was that positive as a senior in college and a fresh grad. I thought that I wouldn't have to worry about work anymore despite the economic meltdown because with my excellent grades, I will snag my dream job right away. I knew I was a hardworker so things will go by just fine. But everything didn't turn out the way as planned. Perhaps I have been too assuming and positive, maybe too pressured to get a job right away? Maybe I lacked the motivation? Maybe I got too complacent that I'd easily get a job so I just allowed time to pass me by? I don't know. 

I have this habit of setting goals and making sure that I get it. Most of the time, I make it. But this time, it seems that the stars are not aligned with me. Change is quite unsettling. They say we have to embrace change. It's always good to see a different perspective. That's how we all grow. But to me, change is not always good. This sudden change that I have to deal with now came too soon and I just find everything about it so wrong. One moment I was totally enjoying what I'm doing then the next here I am dreading every second of having to face the reality and doing something that I know I am not good at and not equipped well enough with the kind of skills that this new change requires from me.  It saddens me because I want to be the best possible in everything that I do but how can I do well when what I have is not enough for it? I hate failure but when it comes chasing after you it means you just have to face that bitter reality.

I have never loved and savored every single moment of being home and away from what I do in the outside world. I've never felt so ecstatic before of the thought that I can finally go home. Those few hours of sleep during the weekdays are so precious to me. I have never appreciated the smallest things in life ever than now. People say that when you're feeling so miserable in what you do and it's beginning to stray you away from all the other things that makes you happy then it's time to move on. Does this mean it's time to go? Or am I just trying to be a runaway because I'm scared to face a challenge or a failure? Or that maybe I don't like being thrown into the unknown grounds so I'm running away? 

I am confused. I am extremely sad with how things have turned for me but I don't want to make a mistake of taking the wrong decision. To go or to stay. It's not the job itself that depresses me, it's how things are handled which in turn makes the whole job a limbo in itself. I don't want to get stuck in that limbo if I know I have a choice. But I also don't want to go and think that my decision of leaving means I'm running away from an area I'm unfamiliar with, a place that makes me uncomfortable. I don't want to feel like I can't dive in and brave the challenges because I know that despite my successes in school I knew I failed in a lot of other things too because I ran away from them once upon a time. I want to get rid of that part of me that's why I'm confused right now. I know that I cannot succeed without falling. But I don't know if this is something that's worth falling for either. I am confused but most of all I am very depressed and worried of what lies ahead for me. Which should I pick?

Teditorial: Destructive Destruction

I am a huge fan of Teddy Locsin Jr.’s teditorial entries and I am sharing one really good entry he wrote recently. It’s a shame that not much people read his blogs yet when you click on showbiz articles and scroll at the comments section it’s brewing with thousands of nonsense ramblings. Please!!!
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Good news! A new book on economics cites the Philippines as finally poised to breakout of age-old stagnation, thanks to the hope generated by reforms promised by Noynoy Aquino. The bad news is that the book mistakes Noynoy as promising to destroy the biggest Filipino conglomerates. I won’t mention their names because they advertise.

But the book is called, ‘Breakout Nations: In Pursuit of the Next Economic Miracles’ by Ruchir Sharma. And I quote, “Mexico is not the only emerging market dominated and crippled by oligopolists, the Philippines provides another clear example of the oligopoly paralysis.” “But in the Philippines,” says Sharma, “I can see a roadmap for change with the arrival of a president bent on reform.” Well, he seems to be the only one who has seen this road map.

And the Philippines, says Sharma will have an easier time of it because its per capita income is only 1/4 that of Mexico. Now why that is a plus is beyond me, unless he means that because we are so poor, we will look so progressive, just getting a little less poor. Never mind. Sharma does not seriously consider we will ever get rich because he imposes some pretty tough conditions.

I mention this book so its exhilarating message of hope is not used to mislead us about our real prospects and our real condition. And because Sharma thinks Noynoy’s reforms are economic, when they are only political. If you can call them reforms, since he just destroyed a key institution of progressive, open government: an independent supreme court. Our Supreme Court is now like Argentina’s —- a servant of the executive.

Sharma’s book aims to explode the myth of emerging nations like China, India, Russia and Brazil, along with Turkey and Indonesia. It is only the last two that have real potential. The others will soon pop like bubbles out of bigness.

Sharma says that concentrations of wealth are (this is my metaphor) giant masses that generate too strong gravity fields that distort sustainable development. These giants must be broken up, he says. Its owners must be taken down from the fortune lists of the top ten to the bottom, or their economies are doomed to stagnate. Sharma believes in Schumpeter’s creative destruction as the best recipe for economic growth.
The reform that counts is not political but economic, Sharma says. Break the big and you break their stranglehold on politics which keeps them big and able to stop or delay creative destruction.
Now this sounds great, except we see no connection to Philippine reality where the rich buy politicians, not to get big or to stay big, but to keep away from them and to keep politics out of economics.
Keep well.

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I agree with what Teddy Locsin Jr. said about the destruction of the judiciary system in the Philippines. I am not a pro-GMA or Pro-CJ Corona but as a president you are supposed to stay on the neutral side at all times. Every individual has the right to remain innocent until convicted.  What really irks me about the whole CJ Corona dramarama are not the walk-outs or endless tirades of senators during the trials but with PNOY’s insistent cry every single day to the media and the whole nation accusing CJ Corona a corrupt official when there wasn’t even any verdict yet. The Philippine laws exist not only to be lived by all Filipinos but also to judge whether one is guilty or innocent. Unless a verdict has been made, nobody has the right to be called a criminal and guilty. PNOY failed here BIG TIME.

Just because CJ Corona was a midnight appointee of his archnemesis CGMA, we can’t easily assume that he’s EXACTLY like CGMA. We can never tell if CJ Corona followed exactly the same principles as that of CGMA. Yes there are a hell lot of inconsistencies in the records of CJ Corona but we can never tell if he really did cheated or not. We don’t know what goes on behind what we all see. Just because PNOY is a “reformist” doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s not capable of doing wrong things. We can never tell that for sure until we see it for ourselves. Unfortunately though, these people in the office are not stupid enough to let all the wrong things slip from their hands. I was thinking what if, just WHAT IF by any chance though we really have no ways of finding out, what if CJ Corona really was innocent? This man once upon a time held one of the highest political post. Of course we can never tell that unless magic happens and we all get to see what really goes or went on behind the big picture.  What if during that event, we find out that CJ was indeed innocent? Remember, just because the law says one’s guilty doesn’t always mean that the person IS GUILTY. Many innocent people go behind prison bars just because they didn’t have a good lawyer who can defend them against someone whose more powerful. What if CJ Corona really was telling the truth?
I think that the whole negative view towards CJ Corona was only fueled by tons of previous unsolved corruption cases done by various public officials whom we all once trusted wholeheartedly. CJ Corona was more unfortunate than the other accused politicians as he had to carry the weight of all the anger of the nation from CGMA just because he once served CGMA and was appointed by CGMA. Just because he was once a part of her adminstration, we already assume right away that he’s just as corrupt at her. We go on judging him right away as guilty even though we haven’t even gotten to the end of the trial. It’s the feelings that outweighs reason. This is what has become most of us due to years of living being lied to by the people who were supposed to “serve” us. CJ Corona was a Supreme Court Chief Justice and to be honest, he deserved a trial fueled by reason and not by emotion. In a way, CJ Corona too has become somewhat a victim of our own ruined judicial/political system. 

Indie

It's these small things such as sharing good music that makes you thank God for giving you such great friends who take their time to actually sit down and put together a good indie playlist for you. Thank you Ali you're the best!!!

Musings

I got this photo two years ago from Tumblr unfortunately though I can’t remember to whom I got this from. Anyway, I really like this thought alot.

Life is too short. Don’t was your time skipping on things you want to do just because you think you can’t, your scared or you think it’s impossible to be attained. It’s better to try it even if you fail later on at least you know you did something about it. The most painful thing in the world is to regret, to wonder one day what if you could have done things you wanted to do when you still can but chose not to. You will never find out what your life would have turned out to be if you have done what you wish you did back then so don’t let it happen to your life. Do what you want to do while you can. Life experiences can’t be reversed. Stop overthinking about things and just go with the flow.

Diva

Yep. That's me.

When I was a kid I remember singing my heart out in the shower to Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, NSYNC, Backstret Boys and Michelle Branch hits. I probably have the worst singing voice in the world yet I sing like its as if I have the world most beautiful vocals. I can just imagine how my nanny felt every single day that she had to accompany me day and night in the bathroom and watch me perform in front of my non-existent audience.

Back in the days, I was too scared to shower all by myself because I feel that someone's going to kill me or a white lady is going to appear right in front of me while I'm alone. Thus, I always tag along my nanny with me to the shower and let her wait until I finish. Everytime she leaves me while I'm still taking a shower I'd literally rush out naked, chase her and force her back to the bathroom and wait for me to finish before anything else. I have no regards to other people's needs when it's my shower time, my nanny is mine no matter what. I even remember throwing a fit at my nanny everytime she leaves me without telling me while I'm taking a shower. I always need to make sure that even though the shower curtain is closed, my nanny is just right there. That was the spoiled brat kiddie me but of course things are very different now. Thinking about it now, I really pity the nannies I had for subjecting them to the agony of having to hear me every single night and day sing while taking a shower. What a heartless kid I was gosh.

Starbucks Happy Hour

So there’s Starbucks Happy Hour today from 2pm-6pm and all Frappuchinos are 50%OFF on all sizes. Filipinos being Starbucks-obsessed people rushed all the way to Starbucks branches for that 50%OFF. I am not really so much into Starbucks and I barely even go there because I just think that it’s unreasonable to throw a hundred bucks on coffee when I can conveniently get free coffee which is equally tasty and has same effect in our office. Sometimes I think that people only drink Starbucks beverages to show off to everyone that they can afford Starbucks drinks and because they think that if you drink Starbucks drinks you’re cool. That’s just silly.

So it was 50%OFF and you don’t get that alot in Starbucks. Since I am such a cheapskate and that Starbucks is still…Starbucks, it won’t hurt to get yourself a little treat every now and then especially if it comes in 50%OFF or better if it comes for FREE. I love anything FREE to be more specific but of course FREE is never going to happen in Starbucks so might as well just be happy for that 50%OFF. If you’re a sane person you wouldn’t bother falling in line with the rest of the people and taking advantage of that 50%OFF. I mean that’s a long line that actually goes spiraling around the store and extending until outside. It’s all the more a crazy idea to actually really fall in line there during work hours. If you’re in your right mind, you wouldn’t do that. Obviously, I am not in my right mind because I actually spent an hour and a half in the line just for a Venti Green Tea Frapp. Two of my co-workers and I got so hooked with the 50%OFF and we just lost our minds like that. I think more than Starbucks, it was really just the 50%OFF itself that got us. Oh and did I mention, I am still quite sick yet there I was sipping on a Venti Green Tea Frapp. I ordered Green Tea because I thought that even though it’s a cold drink that’s 60% crushed ice and 40% flavoring the mere fact that it’s Green Tea makes me feel that it’s still healthy somehow. So the 50%OFF made me into a big fat liar to myself. I just hate myself sometimes.

The Maine Live in Manila (Pioneer World Tour)

Can I just say, I am 22 and never have I thought that I’d ever act like a total fangirl. EVER. But The Maine Live in Manila happened.

I have never watched a concert before so I don’t really have any inkling what goes on in concerts. I just feel that spending heaps amount of money for a certain artist’s concert whom you just like but not love enough is not worth it. I promised myself that if ever I will watch a concert I will only settle for the VIP section and that it has to be an artist/band that is really special to me. Last year, when The Maine came over to Manila for Liv3. My friend and I decided we’d come even though it was finals week. We were on our final year in college so exams were earlier than usual. Unfortunately though, exam schedule was the exact week of the Liv3 shows. Nonetheless, despite being studious, it was The Maine were’re talking about here so we’ll just have to sacrifice sleep for our finals to watch The Maine. Everything’s planned already until we got our thesis draft. Our final thesis defense was already fast approaching and we have to do the final edits of our thesis. So, goodbye The Maine. It’s been pretty much a shitty week since I haven’t been sleeping enough or at all during the finals week and what makes everything worse is that my friend and I had to let go of the opportunity to watch The Maine.

I first discovered The Maine around 2007 when I was just 17 in Myspace while I was searching for Boys Like Girls. I stumbled upon Kennedy and John’s personal Myspace page. It was really their good looks that drew me in to them at first then when I checked their profile I found out that they were a part of the band The Maine. So I checked out the band’s Myspace profile and songs and thought that they’re good!!! I have become a fangirl of this band since then. I only get to watch and listen to The Maine via Myspace then eventually I turned to YouTube to satisfy my The Maine fixation. Since 17 I was only depending on the internet to watch The Maine’s performances abroad hoping that one day they come over and perform. That time I thought it was never going to happen. The Maine is not a huge act and thinking about it breaks my heart because I really want to see them perform live badly. Then, came Liv3. When I first heard that they were coming over, I was so ecstatic but in the end I was not able to go and for the entire week I cannot get over the fact that everyone’s out there watching the band and I’m right here sitting in the pantry of our dorm editing my thesis and preparing for my finals. It was such a bad time!!!

Around early February 2012 I checked out The Maine updates and found out that they were coming back for a solo concert. I can’t express how happy I was to find out that they were coming over. Good thing I’m now working and earning my own dough which means I can buy my own concert ticket. I knew right away that I had to get a Platinum ticket. It may cost alot but I don’t mind. It’s The Maine and I have been waiting for so long to see them live. So Fatima (the same friend I was referring to in the Liv3 story)  and I bought concert tickets right away thankfully it wasn’t sold out yet when we reserved tickets. A few days after we got the tickets, Platinum was already sold out. Whew Thank you God we made it this time without any unnecessary problemos.

A few weeks before the concert, Fatima slipped and broke one of her toes in her left foot so she had to go to the concert with a cast and a crutch. On the other hand, I was wearing ultra high heels that everyone disagreed with when I told them I’ve made up my mind that it was what I am going to wear to the show. I don’t want anyone to block my view. I know it’ll be hard to get to the front row so even if that was the goal I had to have a back-up plan thus, the high heels. I have to be taller than everyone so even if I have to wait in line for hours in high heels, I am more than willing to do so.

For weeks, I was so giddy for the show. Every morning I’d check Twitter and Tumblr for The Maine show updates. I have never been so excited to wake up so early in the morning on a weekday during that time. Come concert day, Fatima and I arrived at around twelve something in the afternoon and my goodness there was already a line!!! We didn’t want to take the risk of going somewhere else first before falling in line thinking it’s still too early so we joined the line. Fatima had to go to the comfort room in the late afternoon which left me alone in the line. The Pulp royalties were already inside for their Meet and Greet and Soundcheck Party so the security already divided the people by their sections. I was starting to worry about Fatima until I saw her right in the front most part of the long line waiving at me. At first I thought “What the hell is she doing there in front waiving at me?” I decided to leave the line when I realized she was calling me to come over to the front. I found out that a bouncer saw her struggling and let her stay in the front away from the line to wait for her safety. So basically, the whole time, the two of us were waiting literally outside the line. Just me and Fatima. That injury caused her so much hell for the past few weeks but has suddenly become a blessing that day. The organizers noticed her condition and initially told her to just seat on the bleachers so she’d be safe since the Platinum area is so jampacked and it’ll be dangerous for her to join the pack there. Obviously, she did not want to trade in her Platinum ticket for her safety and said that she can survive the mosh pit. We had to sign a waiver that whatever happens to her the organizer will not be liable. Both of us were not expecting to get any special treatment and that letting us stay outside the line was the final stretch. We just waited patiently to be instructed on when we can finally start going in to the venue.
The organizers were more than caring to all of the people in line which is great. For me a good show organizer is not someone who can bring in a great artist who can put on a really good show. A good organizer is someone who can assure every attendee that it’ll be fun, exciting, safe and can make everyone feel like they’re a one big happy family. While waiting, one of the organizers decided to talk to us and ask which band we want to see next. Phoenix, Two Door Cinema Club, Parachute, Marina and The Diamonds, Matt & Kim and the list goes on. This guy loved our suggestions and said that we have such great taste in music. Throughout the entire day of being surrounded by super hyper teenagers, it felt good to be able to talk to an adult even just for a short while.

When the staffs were already preparing everyone to enter the venue, one of the organizers (the one in red shirt and brown pants) approached Fatima and I and asked us to move beside the Platinum section’s entrance. We were so shocked when we were the first ones to be permitted to enter the venue. I had to support Fatima since she was still having quite a hard time walking. I don’t know what to feel, if I should be excited that we got in first or to feel conscious because everyone was literally looking at both of us while we were on our way inside the venue.

Itchyworms opened the concert. It’s been a while the last time I saw them and they remain really good except that the audio sucked. Seems that The Maine loved them too especially Pat. When The Maine came out all I can think about was “Oh my gosh this is surreal!!! I never thought I’d see these guys in flesh”. Can I just say, they all look really fine. It’s really nice to see them so overwhelmed with the massive response of the audience to their show. This is the first concert I have ever attended but I can easily say that this is probably going to be the best too. The show was pretty intimate in a way. I’d rather come to a show that has a smaller venue because in that way you get to be more closer to the artist. You don’t go to a concert, pay a ticket worth a thousand bucks to see an artist perform live ant-sized. If that’s the case I’d rather choose Youtube instead.

Of so many live performances of The Maine that I’ve seen on YouTube their performance in the Manila leg was one of the best. To be honest, I wasn’t event expecting too much from John Ohhh because I’ve seen alot of live performance videos wherein his performance is just lacking. But this time it was anything but perfect.  The band was really caring too. I can’t even count anymore how many water bottles he threw to the crowd who were all begging for water. The whole venue was jampacked and everyone’s sweating from all the singing and jumping it was so humid yet everybody was still having so much fun.

The concert ran for two hours and the band performed nineteen songs from their various albums yet it felt like the show was too short. The audience kept shouting “More More More…” after the band left the stage. It was a show worth all the pain at least for the front row people who had to suffer the most after the people from the back kept pushing and pushing like it’s as if their pushing will take them to the front.
Some of the highlights of the entire show for me would probably be when the band sang “While Listening to Rock & Roll”, their addictive semi-ballad ‘Into Your Arms” of which the whole crowd went crazy when the band performed it, “Misery” the first single from their latest album, Pioneer. Not only did “Misery” send the crowd screaming of excitement but the whole performance turned out to be really flawless. Simply one of the performances in the concert that stood out. Then who can forget the very first live performance of the Pioneer B-Side “Take Me Dancing”? John Ohh nailed it! Plus the soft lighting during this song made the performance more dramatic which drove lots of fans to tears. Lastly, the finale song which is “Don’t Give Up On Us”. People were just going crazy singing along with probably the most popular song of the band yet. I was so impressed with the whole crowd who all sang their hearts out from the beginning to the finale. Not even one moment did the energy fell a bit. The fans were all squealing of excitement all throughout the set. You can really see that The Maine was at awe and more than thankful the entire time.

I say, after this concert I don’t regret a bit spending a hefty amount of money for this show. It was worth it. I don’t think I’d ever get this kind of experience with any other artist who I’m going to watch ever again. After the show, my love and loyalty to The Maine just went a notch higher. I love this guys not because they are good-looking-well, when I was younger maybe- but because I’ve seen them grow as individuals through the years and saw how much they have improved artistically but remain grounded. Next year, I am fervently hoping that they come back and do another show in Manila and I’ll make sure I’ll be one of those people in the front row again just like in their Pioneer show this year.

*04/01/12 entry