Blurred Lines

I've been been unbelievably busy this past week like never before since I started working. The past week also brought me to a few highly important thoughts that since then wouldn't get off my mind. 

I am confused, totally lost & extremely miserable. Even before I finished school I already knew what I wanted and have built a set of goals I'd do and accomplish as a career person. In other words, my future was already set and I thought things would go perfectly like how it has always been when I was a student. I was that positive as a senior in college and a fresh grad. I thought that I wouldn't have to worry about work anymore despite the economic meltdown because with my excellent grades, I will snag my dream job right away. I knew I was a hardworker so things will go by just fine. But everything didn't turn out the way as planned. Perhaps I have been too assuming and positive, maybe too pressured to get a job right away? Maybe I lacked the motivation? Maybe I got too complacent that I'd easily get a job so I just allowed time to pass me by? I don't know. 

I have this habit of setting goals and making sure that I get it. Most of the time, I make it. But this time, it seems that the stars are not aligned with me. Change is quite unsettling. They say we have to embrace change. It's always good to see a different perspective. That's how we all grow. But to me, change is not always good. This sudden change that I have to deal with now came too soon and I just find everything about it so wrong. One moment I was totally enjoying what I'm doing then the next here I am dreading every second of having to face the reality and doing something that I know I am not good at and not equipped well enough with the kind of skills that this new change requires from me.  It saddens me because I want to be the best possible in everything that I do but how can I do well when what I have is not enough for it? I hate failure but when it comes chasing after you it means you just have to face that bitter reality.

I have never loved and savored every single moment of being home and away from what I do in the outside world. I've never felt so ecstatic before of the thought that I can finally go home. Those few hours of sleep during the weekdays are so precious to me. I have never appreciated the smallest things in life ever than now. People say that when you're feeling so miserable in what you do and it's beginning to stray you away from all the other things that makes you happy then it's time to move on. Does this mean it's time to go? Or am I just trying to be a runaway because I'm scared to face a challenge or a failure? Or that maybe I don't like being thrown into the unknown grounds so I'm running away? 

I am confused. I am extremely sad with how things have turned for me but I don't want to make a mistake of taking the wrong decision. To go or to stay. It's not the job itself that depresses me, it's how things are handled which in turn makes the whole job a limbo in itself. I don't want to get stuck in that limbo if I know I have a choice. But I also don't want to go and think that my decision of leaving means I'm running away from an area I'm unfamiliar with, a place that makes me uncomfortable. I don't want to feel like I can't dive in and brave the challenges because I know that despite my successes in school I knew I failed in a lot of other things too because I ran away from them once upon a time. I want to get rid of that part of me that's why I'm confused right now. I know that I cannot succeed without falling. But I don't know if this is something that's worth falling for either. I am confused but most of all I am very depressed and worried of what lies ahead for me. Which should I pick?