Ever since, I have always been the perfect observer and listener. To the point that other people who barely know anything about me would think that I am an ultimate snob. I don’t say a lot to people I hardly know but that doesn’t mean that I have no interest in knowing them. When I meet someone new or when I get myself into some unfamiliar situation, there are usually a million things that spins on my mind that I want to release yet I can’t seem to. I don’t trust myself to say the smartest things in such kind of situations. Most of the time, I just watch and listen. Now that I am at the right age, I realize how much I have missed in my younger years but these are the moments I know I can never go back to. It’s really sad to know how much this upbringing has affected my entire life.
Alot of times, I have been this person that my friends run to in times of need. The one who listens to all their banters about school, lovelife, family problems and etc. I listen and give them nothing but the most comforting words to help them get through the day. At the end of every heart-to-heart session I hold with my friends, I get nothing but compliments on being such a great listener and source of advices to everything imaginable. To just be able to put a smile on their face during their bad days is enough already to make me feel accomplished for the day. Nothing beats the happy feeling of making your friends feel comforted. I always tell my friends who fear to try new things to go and not be afraid, my broken hearted friends to move on and show the guy what he just lost, my friends who have to make big choices to follow what she wants and etc. I was the ego booster to my friends, fully equipped with the best advices 24/7. Thinking about it now, I guess I have been so busy trying to be the perfect buddy to my friends to the point that I have forgotten myself, what I want and what I need. A lot of times, I have just stood there and watched great opportunities or people pass me by. I was too busy and accustomed to just observing and listening that I have grown into a person who can’t choose for myself. I have become stationary in one position and have forgotten to continue exploring. When I keep telling my friends only the most positive things, here I am stuck staring at the world of soon-to-be missed opportunities. I have so many wants yet everytime these good things come along, I have much more uncertainties in my mind to the point that I would just let these possibilities go thinking that I don’t deserve it or I am not cut out for it and when I am ready, it's already too late. It’s so ironic how I always tell people to value themselves and put their own priorities first before other people yet in my own life I can’t even apply them. For once, I finally really want to put myself on the top of my priority list and the others beneath me. I’ve heard many people tell me how envious they are of my accomplishments and my confidence. I do know that I love myself despite my imperfections but at the same time I know too that I do not trust myself enough. I feel that if I take a step to an unfamiliar plane, I’d face rejection. I hate the feeling of losing or being rejected so I stay where I know I am safe, where I know I won’t fail. I have become too accustomed to being the follower to the point that I have feared change. I was not taught enough to challenge myself or step up and fight for what I believe is right. As I embark on another journey in life, this time I want to take control of myself. I want to do things that I want to try. It won’t be easy but at least I will try than regret later on. This time, I will hopefully be braver and will learn to step up more and not live in the shadow of someone else who I always tell myself is better than me and someone I will never be. But this time, I will turn the tables.I will talk and they will listen.
#NowListening to "So Cold" by Chris Brown
Album: Grafitti
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